If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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