I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
