my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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