So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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