you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
