Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
