I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
