i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
