Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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