I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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