I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He literally asked permission to hit on me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
