Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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