I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
