I wish I could teleport
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
