Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
