He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize