I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
