Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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