She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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