Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
