i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
