The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
