There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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