the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
