just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
