this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
