do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
