I want to have your abortion
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
