Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
