my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
