I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize