Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it's great music for shaving your balls
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
