you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
