HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
