so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
