apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
