did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
