Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
