Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
