It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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