is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
