I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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