I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
