No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
