Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
