i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
