if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
