I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
