last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
