I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
