i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
