Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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