Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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