You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
