I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
