it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
