At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The best revenge is premature balding
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
