Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
