he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
