Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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