Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
